Yesterday I was reading up on some stuff when writing a post about my sister and I found two terms which I think should be common terms to use for people trying to step away from a PD impaired individual. One of them was coined in a comment on Ursula’s Upturned Soul blog. In fact it was Ursula who coined it.
The term was Word Storm and my God if you have ever been exposed to a six page “rage” (I used to call them hate letters but rage covers it so much better) letter from a PD impaired individual you will know exactly what that means.
The other is the word Fleas as in a multitude of the small jumping critters that besiege your dog and you if you don’t keep them under control. This article comes from another excellent blog (Although it seems no longer active which I think is a shame) called Joyful Alive Woman and full of wonderful posts about how to walk away and recognize the PD impaired.
So why do I think they should be common lingo for those of us who try to make sense of of the “WTF just happened moments” (another excellent term from an Upturned Soul) our PD impaired throw at us?
Here is why:
If you have ever been at the receiving end of a “Word Storm” after you apparently triggered a response with something that didn’t warrant the avalanche of hurtful abuse hurdled at you, you were most likely in left in an extremely confused, hurt and angry state. If you don’t know what happened and did not take precautionary measures such as walk away and not get bowled over by the sheer brutal and hurtful force aimed at you, you may even have tried to respond to the WS (Word Storm) eliciting a second, possibly even worse, response leaving you feeling like you just got hit by a bus.
In my family the Word Storms usually took the form of incredibly aggressive hurtful and especially long letters (3 to 6 pages) in which entire histories of perceived injuries were recycled and regurgitated in an ever more chaotic, victimized tone while hurdling abuse at the same time almost guaranteeing the continuation of exchange of letters.
My hardest lesson in how to deal with my family was to learn to walk away from them and not get engaged or provoked into responding to them.
Another example I can recall was the period when my parents divorced and my mother decided that I was responsible for the divorce and her sole purpose in life was to make me understand why I as a child could wield such power over the relationship of two adults. She did so under the influence of at least three bottles of wine and a couple of Mogadons (Sleeping tablets) which surprisingly did not put her to sleep but only aided in her ranting. If after being subjected to the verbal abuse for say an hour or so I decided that leaving my mothers place (I was 16 at the time and trying to do my high school exams which unsurprisingly did not fare too well) would be saver She would stand in the doorway screaming down the stairs that I did not want to know the truth and how ungrateful I was. I remember sitting on the stairs trying frantically and hyper-vigilant to make sense from all the menace and abuse. Needless to say you can’t. You’re not listening to someone trying to convey legitimate grievances but someone trying to keep a lid their her own uncontrollable emotional turmoil with a Word Storm.
(Interesting, I just looked up Mogadon and some of the side effects are:
- agitation
- anxiety
- behavioral changes, including aggressiveness, angry outbursts, bizarre behaviour, or decreased inhibitions)
Anyway to get back to the post, in order to untangle yourself from the person subjecting you to the Word Storms it is important to understand that the Word Storm has nothing whatsoever to do with you other than that you and your perceived slight serve as a trigger. It is also important to understand that while you may try to engage in a meaningful exchange such as trying to discuss legitimate grievances the Word Storm response or the exact opposite, the short sharp refusal to discuss any responsibility on the side of the PD impaired individual followed by a concerted effort to isolate you and your grievances from the family or circle of friends (Both my father and Sister use this technique and wield it like a sword) is not your responsibility.
That is of course not what they want you to believe but if you want to begin to take some control over your life you have to begin to set boundaries as to what it is you are willing to take responsibility for and what not.
And that is where the term Fleas comes in
What makes it difficult to take a step back is the ability of PD impaired Individuals to sow confusion about how you feel about your own actions and emotions. For example I am very aware that I behaved often like what most definitely might be called a Borderliner or Narcissist.
I self medicated with alcohol and other drugs (Both my parents drank heavily and when they did acted highly volatile and unpredictable) behaved irresponsibly, created chaos around me as in I didn’t clean my room, related poorly to other people and I retreated in books and other escapes such as fantasy and dissociative behavior.
In other words as the black sheep of the family I gave plenty of opportunity to vent rage and project all kinds of unwanted emotions away from my PD impaired family members.
And this is where the term Fleas and what it entails comes in very handy. On the Joyful alive woman blog the writer describes as follows what a Flea is and it is very easy to understand how it works. Here is a quote from the article and I urge you to read the whole article for a better understanding:
Let’s say you were raised by deaf parents. They had no problem when things crashed on the floor, making a horrible sound. They let you slam the door and they let the dog bark at night and had no problem with nails on a chalkboard. You could play your clarinet at all hours, so 11:00 PM was a fine time to practice.
And let’s say you turned 18 and went off to college and got a hearing roommate. She complained when you slammed your dresser drawers early in the morning when heading off to class as she slept in. The 11:00 clarinet didn’t go over so big, either. Sometimes you made a lot of noise and didn’t realize it.
Well, if someone paid close attention, they might think you were hard of hearing, wouldn’t they? I mean, you just didn’t seem to be aware of how much annoying noise you were causing. But you COULD hear – you were just raised in an environment that was shaped by deaf people, and that affected your behavior.
Well, FLEAS are a little like that. When you’re raised by a Narcissist, you have to do things their way. There are house rules. No questioning. No expressing your needs. Accept the blame. Be a doormat. Criticism isn’t allowed. You come last, if at all. Play along. Put on the show they want. Be wrong. Suck up. Don’t be yourself. You’re a nobody.
All those “rules” hurt. And most importantly, like a glove or a shoe, these rules form the shape of the reason they exist. They take the shape of Narcissism. In the home of a person with another PD (Personality Disorder) – let’s say Obsessive-Compulsive, the shape would be very different. Your mother would be the type who couldn’t rest unless she did everything herself, even things you should have been allowed to do, like making your bed at 12. You’d make it, and she’d come in and tear it apart, making it all over again, because it just wasn’t good enough until SHE had done it. You’d put your stuffed animals away, but she’d have to come in and line them all up according to their size. You put them on the shelf the wrong way, and they needed fixing, so she couldn’t rest until that happened.
Now, you may not have NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). Some children of Narcissists do, and some don’t. Let’s say you don’t, but you were raised by someone who did/does. Therefore you have some issues that can take the shape of NPD – like a shadow or a snow angel, or even an echo.
You’ll have some issues in the same sorts of areas that Narcissism occupies, because you picked up these fleas FROM a Narcissist.
Let’s take just one possible example to illustrate…
Because of growing up with a Narcissist, you’re used to being criticized to death, and for the tiniest thing, so when you graduate from your university and get a job, it may hurt to hear negative feedback about your work. Because you’ve never experienced healthy, well-intentioned and helpful input from others about how you’re doing, you only associate feedback with hatred and oppression and shame and rejection and attempts to violate your sensibilities – your dignity – your humanity. Feedback was always to make you the bad one – the wrong one.
Other people – people whose parents did not have NPD – give their children positive reinforcement and supportive feedback. Those people have learned to associate feedback with assistance – with helpful kindness. They won’t go to “crazy-land” like you will when they get their performance review. They will feel helped. You will feel attacked. They will feel curious. You will feel inadequate. They will feel openness. You will feel fear. They will say, “Thank you, I’ll work on that”. You will go home and cry.
And you probably do the only thing you’ve ever seen people do when they’re criticized – you get defensive and criticize right back. You have to, right? The person must be out to get you – that’s what feedback IS – a personal attack! So maybe you point the finger and refuse to hear them, or else, you’re going to be emotionally destroyed by them. You’ve seen that work.
And that looks like Narcissism, doesn’t it? You’re not accepting input from others about what you could do better. You feel deeply ashamed that you haven’t been perfect – that’s what you’ve been taught – if you’re not perfect, you’re a piece of trash who has to take all the blame for everything that’s wrong, and all the blame for those who refuse responsibility. (Scapegoating)
But you don’t have NPD. What you have is the shadow – “maladaptive behaviors”, as psychologists call them, the unhelpful patterns you have been taught, and which you have had to resort all your life. And they are glued in, most often, by the shame you have been made to carry.
What you have is nicknamed “FLEAS.” They’re the bad behavior patterns and habits we picked up from living with a nutcase who had total and unhealthy control over us. They are the pain and guilt and crazy patterns we had to take on as children in order to just survive. And they’re completely un-learnable. (Meaning, you can un-learn them!)
When I started to study PD’s I think this was one of the most important terms that allowed me to make a distinction between my behaviors and those of my PD family. It allowed me to see my own behavior in context and to be able to retrain myself to be able to relate to “normal” behavior and people.
I began to understand that “normal” people address grievances in calm tones and listen to each other and while tempers might run high at times it usually did not come to the rage stage.
According to psychiatrist Adam Blatner, there are seven levels of anger:
- Stress Feeling angry subconsciously but not demonstrating it.
- Anxiety Anger shown through subtle clues.
- Agitation Displeasure is shown without blame.
- Irritation A little more displeasure to elicit a response.
- Frustration Anger with a scowl or harsh words.
- Anger Anger with loudness of speech and expression.
- Rage Losing temper and getting into a rage; aggression.
Most people barely come to the Irritation level and even if like in a very personal relationship such as an emotional partnership conflicts explode as they sometimes do Anger is usually the highest level reached and after the emotional turmoil has waned people will sit down and try to figure out what went wrong, trust that they can speak their mind and be heard and try to adapt the relationships to fit better with the needs of both partners.
So understanding that if a reaction from someone with a PD is over the top and hurtful and being able to step away from it because you are subjected to a Word Storm which has most likely nothing to do with who you are and being able to see your inappropriate responses when interacting with people without PD’s as the Fleas that they are will make it a whole lot easier to disengage from the PD’s in your life and engage with those who are not.